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"Not the way daddy would go. He never did anything gentle, or halfway easy in his life. If there was a wreck somewhere, he'd go and take a look. If the accident wasn't over yet, he'd try and get in it somehow. Then he'd figure how to make it pay. Sue somebody, or steal a set of tires."

--Skinny Annie Blues by Neal Barrett Jr.

From the internet:

"My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles, and quickly closes it. She's calling it her 'secret diarrhea' and maybe someday I'll correct her, but definitely not today."

You rock, mom!

Today we were coloring in Sunday school and one of my kids says to another, "I'm going to test you for color blindness. How many fingers am I holding up?"

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I think my husband watches too much TV. I wrote the Christmas play for our church and my ever-helpful husband asked, "Is it a musical?"

"Yes," I told him, "because I'm working with the cast of Glee, an unlimited budget, and daily rehearsals--not a bunch of twitchy six-year-olds, a $50 budget, and one ten-minute rehearsal."

Does anyone know a Hollywood choreographer who will work for $50 and all the sugar cookies s/he can eat? Our dance number is going to need a little work.

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Why don't kids come with an instruction manual? "If your child wants to stay out all night with strangers in a strange city you should 1) check to see if all of the input cords are connected correctly; 2) unplug the power cord; 3) have him swallow the included GPS tracking device. Retrieval of the device can be complicated. Additional devices available at an extra charge. Smacking the child upside the head is not recommended but can be effective."

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We are binge-watching Cesar 911 with our very badly-behaved dogs and now my husband thinks that he is Cesar Milan. I'm not sure if he's more stubborn than The Mighty Hunter, our dachshund mix, but it's hilarious to watch. I'm not sure who's training who. But if my husband starts chasing squirrels with the other mutts that live here, I'm gone.

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One of my friends has five beautiful, well-behaved children under 12. She's obviously doing something right; they're great kids. 

Last night I mentioned that I'm going to get a taser to help me "discuss" issues with my 16-year-old son and inspire him to be more motivated. She very generously offered me a video on how to be a "Love and Logic" parent. 

I'm getting the taser. And, perhaps, when my friend has five teenagers I'll loan it to her.

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I'm not the kind of person who does anything by halves. When I'm writing, that's all I want to do and I can get tons done. When I clean, it's best to just get out of the way. When I'm in cyclone mode, take shelter and wait it out because it doesn't last long.

My writing craze has waned and now I'm reading a book a day again. I'm re-reading Janet Evanovich because I love her, but I'm squeezing in some new stuff, too. 

A recent cleaning cyclone struck my mountain of books, revealing treasures both old and new...and about 5000 cookbooks. Sadly, collecting cookbooks does not make me a good cook.

 

Today my teen driver tried to turn left into a traffic circle. Since we live in Colorado and not England, this was pretty terrifying. She hit the curb and nearly hit a lane divider. She stopped on a straightaway for a car making a left-hand turn.

On a positive note, she did stop for pedestrians crossing against a green light.

Sadly, though, my blood pressure medication is not keeping up. I need a MUCH stronger prescription and/or a full-frontal lobotomy (think Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest ) to survive.

Say a little prayer for me.

I’m teaching my teen daughter to drive. Luckily for me, she already knows EVERYTHING there is to know about EVERYTHING. Although she has only spent a few hours behind the wheel, I can teach her nothing.

She sees the red light and doesn’t need me to remind her to slow down. Stopping six inches from that car’s bumper gives us plenty of room. All right, so she thought she could make a left hand turn at a red light. Everyone makes mistakes.

I shouldn’t yell when she puts the car in park before coming to a stop or when she wants to make a U-turn across two lanes of oncoming traffic. And I definitely shouldn’t scream when we’re almost totaled by a monstrous green SUV in a parking lot. (I saw it Mom! Really! We didn’t die!)

And why should I get upset just because she thinks the car is in reverse and nearly runs over two people? (I didn’t kill anybody, Mom! Calm down!) Or when she drives so close to parked cars that I can see myself in their side mirrors? Or when she scrapes the black off my tires on the concrete curb? (I had plenty of room, Mom, stop being such a drama queen!)

She stops at green lights and in protected turn lanes and argues about giving pedestrians the right-of-way. (He was not in the crosswalk, Mom! That doesn’t mean you can run him over!)

Her sister refuses to take her driving and her father is too afraid. I’m popping blood pressure pills by the handful but I’m still afraid my head will explode. Does anyone know where I can score some ‘ludes? I heard that being relaxed on impact helps reduce your injuries.